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我正在开车,毫无征兆地,四岁的小儿子向我做出一个出人意料的举动,在我的心里激起阵阵涟漪……
那是一个无比珍贵的时刻。
那是用人类所有的金钱或财富都无法买到的一刻。它发生时,我的心激动地悬在了嗓子眼。我多么想拥有一台摄像机,让我把这一刻永远铭刻在记忆里。而实际上,我只能相信它的影响能够历久弥新,永无褪色。
有点滑稽,是吧?这是大部分的妈妈们都会有的经历,可能还会把它简单地归类为“我肯定也碰到过”的那类故事。但是你可知道,这件事对我来说意义不止如此。
你已经发现这个你的经历不同了吧,但我想待会儿再向你解释。先让我告诉你他到底做了什么吧。
我们正在开车,他对我说:“妈咪!”我不在意地说:“怎么啦?”他说:“快看看我!”我照着做了。当我看向他的时候,心猛地一跳,我四岁的小儿子正朝向我——他的妈妈,对他来说这世上最美丽、最优秀的女士——眨巴着一只眼睛,表达他的爱慕之情。对他来说,妈咪意味着安全和抚慰,是他的保护者。有了妈妈,任何事情都会变好的。
他向我眨着眼,我问他:“你在干什么?”我想这可能只是他偶尔兴之所致的举动。他说:“我在向你眨眼啊,妈咪。因为我太——爱你了!”
我不知道他打哪儿看来的这招,但我清楚那一定给他留下了很深的印象,他也明白这一举动的意思,并想对我这样做。我的小儿子,这个今天费了好大的劲才学会怎样对他的妈妈飞眼的孩子,在这世界上的时日已经不多了。他患了脑癌,而我只能看着他在我面前一天天走向死亡。
这些日常小事带给我的感受,不啻于一列长长的火车呼啸着撞击我的内心深处。那天,余下的时间里我的脑子全都是以往轻易忽略的话语和表情。我现在的生活半是苦涩,半是甜蜜。我亲爱的儿子是如此深爱他的妈妈,而且表现得和健康的孩子一般无异,最重要的是,他没有受到病痛的折磨。这使得我和儿子日益迫近的永诀看起来那么不真实,那么虚幻。别误会,我并无他意。我知道,这是上帝的恩惠,使我和儿子度过了这些美妙的日子,突然离去使父母更加痛苦呢?还是眼睁睁地看着孩子离去更加痛苦呢?
我实在找不到答案。我只知道,是上帝使我得到了这份礼物,我生命中最重要的男人——我四岁的儿子,对我眨眼表达爱意。
It was a precious moment.
One of those that any money or natural resource has known to man could not purchase. My heart stopped in my throat as it happened. I would have given anything to have had a camcorder to forever engrave it in my memory. As it is, I have to trust that the impact will always be strong enough for it to stay on its own.
Funny, you know, it is something that most mothers have experienced and probably taken for granted as I’m sure I did at one time. Or maybe just chalked it up to one of those cute things kids do. But you know it didn’t hit me like that.
You see things are a little different right now, but I’ll tell you about that later. First let me tell you what he did.
We were driving along and he said, “Mommy!” and I, not paying much attention said, “What?” He said, “Look at me!” So I did, when I looked down, me heart leaped, for my little four year old son was trying his best to wink at me——his Mommy, to him the most beautiful and best lady in the world. His security, his source of comfort, his buffeter, the one who makes everything OK.
When he winked, I said, “What are you doing?” Thinking that it must have been a fluke. He said, “I’m winking at you Mommy because I love you so much.”
Where he saw this I do not know, but I know it must have made an impact on him for him to want to do it to me and understand what it meant. My little son, who took the time today to struggle to wink properly at his Mommy only, has days to live. He is dying before my very eyes of a cancerous brain tumor.
The impact of the everyday things that he does is like a freight train running head on into the core of my being. My thoughts and emotions are suddenly arrested throughout the day with phrases and looks that at one time were so easily ignored. It is a very bittersweet life that I live right now, my baby being so much ‘in love’ with his Mommy, so normal in so many ways and not suffering for the most part. It makes the pain that I feel at the impending loss sometimes so unreal and difficult to experience. Don’t get me wrong, I want it no other way. I know we have been graced by a loving Father to be given such wonderful days with our son, but I have to admit, at times it is excruciating. I often ponder, “Is it harder for parents when the death of a child is an accident and so sudden? Or is it harder to watch them go?”
I honestly do not know the answer to that question. All I know is that today I was graced by God to receive a wink from one of the most important men in my life, my four year old son.
(摘自2010年《忘忧草英汉对照·蔓萝号》)